I wish I could handle my emotions so I don't hurt others, they don't understand how I feel inside.
I have created such a mess and have hurt my daughter who is so precious to me.
God where do I begin, well I have struggled with depression from about the age of 16 having spent my childhood with my brother sister and mum and dad, dad was very violent and mentally abusive. I married a man who was very controlling who had 'issues' of his own and after 12 years said he was sorry but he did not know who he was nor did he want to find out and didn't want any one to find out who he was. I could not cope with him and his controlling attitude towards me, he would continually put me down and tell people I was useless and stupid. I left him in 2001 with my two daughters.
Since leaving him my life has been tough all was going well until 2004 when I was raped, I went to the police but they ruined all my evidence and offered me no support at all. 12 months later I took an overdose, I felt so desperate no one knew how I felt my friends and family didn't know how to support me. I didn't know at the time that 1 of my daughters witnessed the overdose I didn't know until 2009. I got some support following the overdose but it didn't really help.
My family have been caught up in 2 court cases 1 as witnesses to a serious crime and the other an assault on 1 of my daughters between 2006-2009. I found these things very difficult to deal with.
I had been involved in a 3 year relationship between 2006-2009 which was up and down, but we decided it was right to move in together so We moved to another area, however my older daughter didn't want to come, her dad said he was going to take the girls away from me, that I was selfish wanting to move and making the girls move too. When we moved within weeks my partner changed and it was hell, I just had to get out if here but it was not straight forward, whilst planning to move out my oldest daughter then 16 said she didn't want to live with me any more, she just dropped into the conversation in front of her younger sister and cousins. I was completely stunned only a couple of weeks earlier she attended a local college open day and said she loved it and would I buy her the art equipment she needed. I had been up all night the day/night before as the man we had moved in with just wouldn't leave me allow, I was mentally drained.
My daughter moved to live with her dad, my younger daughter then 12 stayed with me but she witnessed my breakdown, my sleepless nights and panic attacks, we had to sleep on the floor of my brothers for 4 weeks, then move to my dads my daughter and I shared dads bed from oct to feb when we eventually got our home back in Feb 2010.
I got engaged to a wonderful man at Christmas I have known him since I was 16, I am now 45 although we haven't been together long I know he is the man for me, I have always loved him and he has always loved me. But my younger daughter has completely lost it, she had a massive tantrum two weeks ago telling my family that my partner and I were up all night having sex and she could not stand the noise, this just is not true, she told my mum via txt that she was scared she told me this too but would not say what she was scared of. We had a row and she would not speak to me for a week, then handed me a note to say she was going to stay with her dad.
I felt sick and panic stricken, all of the feelings from the past just grabbed hold of me. I spoke briefly to her dad he said she was going to live with him now. I could not believe it, over the last couple of months my daughter asked why could I not just leave things a they were and see my partner when she left in 2 years for uni. I felt black mailed and my daughter knew how I would feel if she left, we had talked about this in the past.
But I have made things so much worse, through pure desperation I put my feelings on Facebook, I never usually use it, but I felt suicidal I just wanted some support from friends that this was normal behaviour from a teenager and my own feeling were not uncommon, but my daughter found out and says I have made her look like an evil child. That was not my intention I was selfish I suppose and didn't think, now I don't think she will ever come back because I have hurt her. I feel so low, I keep crying and can not sleep, saw my gp this morning and I have a chest throat and mouth infection.
I just want to take away my daughters pain and stop hurting them but I want to be happy too.