How long do we think these especial effects will last? In all honesty. HOW LONG? Because if we combine this with the real events that are OCCURRING in life - the ones that make you want to give up, because you're never good enough, it can send people over the edge. I hide my feelings to the world; I laugh and I joke and I conceal information from people because I don't like bringing other people down with my problems. I always do this. I always have done. I hide the things that people don't want to know about, and I still do. Sometimes, the truth is, I feel like giving up. I try helping other people, even to the detriment of my own physical and mental health. I try being positive because I have to. I don't cry in front of people - don't want to bring them down. It's an empty room when I do cry. Sometimes I'm sick of being a mediator, sometimes I'm sick of the spats. But I'm not perfect. I'm unstable. I make mistakes and I'm human.

Study up. There's a whole generation of people going insane over what their profile looks like, and there's a whole generation of people who don't live in the real world. I'm not being holier than thou, I'm guilty too. I have a Facebook account and I talk via Gmail chat; these offer an escape from the real. And the real can often be highly distressing. I've had depression, probably forever. I mask it well; it doesn't stop me from functioning. I can laugh about things with people, and I can enjoy small things in life. I can look at my degree certificate, and I can think I'm productive. I can go to work tomorrow and earn my travel fare to University. The question is, if I'm unstable - and if I'm depressed - will I make it to work? If I wake up to the things that happen inside my head, and the spats that happen inside my home, what will happen then?

No one knows inside my head. That's because they can't. I can pretend I'm happy, but no one knows the reality. I can pretend that I've never once had a suicidal thought by presenting an expression or emoticon to the world; blogging, simply on here, shows that I'm okay - that I'm actually still alive (unless someone hacked my account), but no one knows what happens when I close the lid of the laptop, or the front door of my house, or the lips or the eyelids on my face. No one knows if I would really go and seek help - not even I do. I'm a mediator: I counsel myself. I probably wouldn't. And no one would know if I needed help - they just wouldn't be able to tell. I sometimes can't tell. And I can't see the future.

2011 - 2012: I lived away from home to get away from stress (granted, it wasn't too far). But no one will know what transpired. And no one will know what I was going through in that space of time. I wasn't being watched every hour of the day. There are only a few people who know, and - even then - they only know a few things. But the rest - no one actually knows. I have a self-conscious mind, and these things are contained there. There are things in my life that make me depressed, factors that incite depression, and things that I will never publish on a Facebook account. There are things I wouldn't even tell my own mum about, because she has her own stresses - because she is often distressed herself. She might have given every encouragement to me, but she doesn't really know how I feel. No one really can. They can't be inside my head - it's just impossible.

There was a trespasser on the tubes yesterday. I'm rational. I suppress things. I counsel myself. I don't know when to seek help. I'm human, and therefore imperfect... And I'm unstable sometimes. This will never change, because I'll always be human.

Closed the front door on the world; closed the bedroom door on the rest of the house. Closed my eyes and shut my mouth. And no one will know - or ever know - what I thought.

Thats a very lonely way to live Anxiety. To a large extent though I think thats how most people live -no one can get inside your head. No-one can totally get inside anyones head but would you want to? Would you like someone else to get inside yours?

But because we are all human we all need human companianship. No one person is ever going to give you everything you need because thats impossible. A counsellor once told me that feeling lonely and unloved can be allegorised by being overdrawn at the bank. You have a 100 overdraft. Too many people spend too much time looking for the one person who can clear their overdraft. Instead look for people who can clear a certain amount - say 10 and before you know it your overdraft is either cleared or much reduced.
My 10 pc would be a friend who understands depression, another would be friends with a great sense of humour, drinking friends, friends to go out with and casual friends. And mostly the friends who become true friends - who you can be honest with and they can be honest with you. To me that honesty includes knowing a person well including all their faults, fears and worries as well as their successes and happiness and being able to share it with them. People you can be yourself with and know that you are accepted.

I am very lucky to have a few friends like that. I can talk to them about anything including my depression and visa versa. That makes life worthwhile and it certainly stops me getting so neurotic and hung up about life.

Bev x