Hi,

I understand how you feel. You might think I don't, but I do. You have been worn down many times by the same paradox, and you are concerned about cyclical stress patterns reappearing in the exact same manner. But perhaps you have no reason to be concerned any more, because perhaps the cyclical stress patterns don't linger on in the same way. Perhaps the triggers aren't what you perceive them to be; they might just be a sign of normalcy. Maybe the paradox has been resolved in spite of your 'silent panic'. Perhaps if you take this approach, things will return to normal. Though I understand that this is difficult, given the seemingly repetitious nature of things, perhaps the triggers that you see aren't a part of the repetitious cycle. They might just be a restoration of some normality or to the way things were.

Today, for instance, has been a new start for me in two ways. I decided to leave the past firmly in the past. There were things that were upsetting and distressing, which made me really emotional. I put an end to a lot of the stress, though I dealt with it terribly. But I feel better for it.

And I had my first seminar of Semester Two. Though I was absolutely knackered, because I had about 4 1/2 hrs sleep, I feel slightly improved. I didn't finish all of the reading, but I did enjoy the seminar. I didn't make any flourishing, stand out contributions, about Blake's Milton or Jerusalem, because it seemed a bit repetitious really. I slept on the tube ride home, and woke up at every interval when the carriage jolted to a stop...

...Digression.

Anyway, my point is that even though I probably still have stress triggers, anxiety triggers and (less) depression, I think I'm managing in my own way. If I can, I'm sure you can.

And, of course, I find solace here. It helps a lot.